You get me closer to g-d.

Time runs (away).

2009-01-01T09:50:20Z

To say that things haven't changed
would be lying.

Not that there was much to change to begin with.
I'm not going to let you ruin this for me.
Things have been going well.
Then I found myself trouble.
yes, I know, it is all my fault.
but it is partly yours.

Why can't you be a better actor.
You're not fake enough.
stop being so real.
It is irritating.

I'm not quite sure what to think anymore.
I know I should stop thinking.
and shut off completely.
but it's never quite worked for.
I've tried.
last time.
A couple years ago.
and that fucked up my memory, didn't it?

I haven't been keeping notes on my life lately.
after he leaves, I won't remember him.
Maybe it'll take a month,
or maybe a few months.
But he'll be gone.
There's no trace of him.
he was never important enough to me to write down.

But you were. You always were.
I wrote down those two to four lines for our time together.
and those memories are there to stay.
I know I should just forget it.
but I half want to remember.

I don't feel tension.
There is nothing between us.
Nothing attracts me.
It is perfect.
but
Why do I miss you so much now.
Is it still because I can't win?

I knew when I met you
that we would be something different.
one year. then now, three (?) years later
we're still here.
I'm still here.

This computer screen is making me blind.
It hurts. and the colors are starting to blend.

oh and, happy new year.

Future.

2008-04-19T06:14:18Z

I guess its time
to update again.
It's been busy in a way.
Just in my head.
I could do so much better.

Anyway.
I've been considering my options.
Since Nov, actually.
GED?
But then theres the whole age requirement.
Finally, when programming and CAHSEE brought my future to my mind again,
I've decided to take the CHPSE soon.
On June 15.

Then attended PCC over the summer, and hopefully next year as well.
Graduate 2 years early.

Why?
I have a 3.5 currently. That is not good.
I'm not motivated. I know I can do better than all the B+'s. But I don't seem to care much.
I failed my physics final. Dropped me 10%. A to B+. And I thought I was good at physics.
I thought I was good at Japanese too. But it doesn't just seem normal too me now. I'm slow. I still do better than most people.
But I'm me. It's Japanese. It should still come naturally . But it doesn't.
It's probably going to get worse.
I don't really want to go to UCI or UCR.

So CC now. and transfer. If I can't transfer, I swear I'm going to

But I haven't answered my own question- Why?
-Because people here annoy me. Maybe I'm not mature, maybe they're not. They're just too happy. and childish. Maybe I'm just jealous?.
But I doubt it.
Mostly, I'm referring to the girls. I'm just tired of the way they act.
With older people comes a better chance of maturity. At least.
-I want to work more often, for a longer time.
I like working. it makes me feel so amazing and productive. I can do real things, efficiently and near perfection.
It's like drugs.
-PCC is a nice campus.
Not much to say there.
-Again, I'm not motivated to my best.
-Scheduling. I'm tired of doing the same thing everyday at the same time.
-And finally, because it is simply a head start. Yes, I know in the long run, 2 years won't matter, but I know what I want to do, and high school is just holding me back.

I used to want to be a psychologist. But truth is, the money there isn't stable. You wouldn't always have patients.
Then I guess, maybe business or accounting. A fall-back, maybe? Something everyone can do. But at least it's logical and stable.

But I know it now.
I want to work in a mental institution.
I'm not sure yet what kind of jobs they have there. Just being there would be fine for me.
It's monetarily stable, and psychologically related.

EXCEPT, unfortunately. They were closed down a few decades ago. So I'd have to settle for mental health clinics.

It's perfect, right?
Perhaps.

But is that really why I want to leave now?
I'm not completely sure.
I can't imagine, if wasn't there.

Distracted.

2007-11-05T00:35:18Z

//
Something
is not
Right.

Continuing the book of Experimentation. Maybe I'll find a way to publish it one day.

Failing everything.
Japanese 2: 89% I'm supposed to be good at this..
Physics CP: 40/90 on last test. that's going to kill my grade.
Math Analysis: ~~77% ish~~. 83%.. still a fail. I really should read the book.
English Honours: 77% They'll have to drop me soon..

Piano Test in a week and a half. Not ready.

You've lost.
He's fallen.
Can't stop thinking about (how feelings come up at the worst of times).

Beauty is Abstract.

2007-10-08T01:52:00Z

POETS OF THE FALL

"Carnival Of Rust"

You can listen/watch it here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=zRVrQsdWDds

D' you breathe the name of your saviour in your hour of need,
And taste the blame if the flavor should remind you of greed?
Of implication, insinuation and ill will, 'til you cannot lie still,
In all this turmoil, before red cape and foil come closing in for a kill

Come feed the rain
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust

It's all a game, avoiding failure, when true colors will bleed
All in the name of misbehavior and the things we don't need
I lust for after no disaster can touch, touch us anymore
And more than ever, I hope to never fall, where enough is not the same it was before

Come feed the rain...
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust

Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the heart is yearning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the heart is yearning

Ah such confessions: Pt. II

2007-10-06T21:00:47Z

It must continue.

To the one with who things appear to be changing:
If i could save it myself, i would try.
But i'll hesitate and let time run its course.
"If you try to be special, you will [certainly] fail."

To the one who deals me pain:
These days pass in lovely spasms.
Thank you for everything. I value our mutual "love".
"I don't want to be just another statistic."

To the one who started the cycle:
It's been awhile,
but i might be returned soon.
"You seem very used to justifying yourself."

To the natural accompanionment:
Something to cherish, and someone to hold.
That's all i really thought i needed. maybe it's still true.
""Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.""

To the one who's path has split so far from mine:
Best wishes.
and farewell.
"You made me happy. So regardless of what your original intentions were, thank you for having been apart of my life."

To the one who remains only present:
Deep down, i know i miss what i had.
but thankfully, there's nothing i can do now. :]
"A feeling of unsatisfying peace..."

To the one who wanders:
You know that I may come by on those days,
you know you’ll be there.
"what's the chance of "AMAZING" happening?"

To the one who will always be here:
So hopeful, and so hopeless.
In the end, my heart does not exist. Only pity. Only a confliction of physical disgust and physical lust.
"From the one who needs you because he loves you."

To the one who has always asked:
No.
No, and definitely not.
""What can be broken, must be broken."

To the one who not gone:
Enjoy.
But its failure.
"Promises were made to be broken."

To the one who arrives:
For you,
It is the beginning.
"”There is never a better time than now."

To the one who comes to me for help:
Prepare to turnaround.
Realize the impossibilities

To the one who tries to comfort me:
Not what I’m looking for,
But thank you.

To the one who is void of:
They say you’ll learn,
Its better not.

Marcus.

2007-09-25T00:55:48Z

.
-
/
I'm physically hurt.

So many possible bruises from being pushed against the wall. People must have thought that we're crazy. but that's what we're here for.

You penetrate my mind.
You make me smile.

It's all downhill from here.

2007-09-23T18:10:44Z

"I appreciate your help,
but even you can't save me from myself."
Her Space Holiday- Japanese Gum

"I shouldn't be that important."
You know, I wish you weren't either.

"Are these pets just to possess and not to use?"
"As of now they're just to own."
That's about to change.

"It shouldn't be news to you that guys aren't the best communicators."
Well isn't that obvious..?

Why don't you just fuck me so i can get it over with? Because I am OBVIOUSLY just in this for sex.

The greatest words are those spoken in silence.

2007-09-18T01:13:07Z

going on for hours and hours.

It's never going to end by itself.

Restless.

2007-08-04T01:13:29Z

Or rather, rest.
It's been a long day, these last few years.

I apologize. That is all.

Disturbed.

2007-07-25T05:53:22Z

You make me feel sick.
but i'm sure it's all my fault.

From any angle, nothing is bothering me. Nothing that my sub-conscience seems to allow. But it still torments me.
I'm so distracted. Very faint, and irritable. Depressed almost, not interested in anything.
Good day.

Such a long time, and how fast.

2007-07-16T22:43:18Z

Something is felt more when you don't express it.*
:]

Succumb.

2007-06-19T20:03:37Z

"We are completely up to you now. It has nothing to do with me anymore."
"And... what does that mean?"
"It means... whatever you think it means."
"But what if i'm wrong?"
...
"You're never wrong."

"If you try to be special,
you will fail."
R.I. <3

[2007.01.14.]

Poison Ivy.

2007-06-05T03:57:00Z

Seduction/manipulation series.

Not as much sex as I expected xD
more about sadness and ignorance.

Poison Ivy II: Played by the girl that plays Paige in charmed!
more sex xD. the guy is hotter. the art teacher isn't.
i love when she says: "Lily only has one rule: never fall in love. If I can break their hearts, that's love enough for me."

Poison Ivy III: haven't watched yet.

Hard Candy: awesome :]
a teenage girl toys with a 30+ photographer, pedophile, and assisted in the murder of a girl.
she seduces him.. kind of. then pretends to castrate him. and then lures him into killing himself.
it was awesome.

Creativity.

2007-05-25T23:19:36Z

Poems so far this year.

(we were forced to write a love sonnet for engh)

Love, an illusion to relieve loneliness,

but solitude shall not be forgot.

Euphoria dissolved with the last kiss,

pain, even the sweetest embrace cannot.

Forbidden beauty arise, where Heaven fells;

perfect lies allow facades to swoon.

The day whilst come when voices bring no Hell,

and his gaze becomes one with the moon.

His lust, a thorn, which drips blood white,

and his eyes are holes in the sky.

Footsteps in sand, fade with the light,

imprinted memories, ebbing with tide.

Walk this flood alone, standing with courage to leave,

finally... a feeling of unsatisfying peace.

-

Actually.. I think.. that's about it... =x

Gratitude.

2007-05-20T03:13:40Z

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity."

I hope I didn't come off as an inexperienced kisser. Normally , I don't unless it happens spontaneously while other things are happening.

I'm not sure how better to describe today than this: I felt like I was about to die.

I seriously did. on the other hand, times like today are when one starts to wish that time would slow down or pause.

i'm out of words to say.
but thank you for today.

oh. and the movie was awesome too.

-

YAY for new shoes!
Black stiletos with black hearts and hanging diamond-look alikes. hand-crafted =o (cheap too!)
to see their AWESOMENESS go to the pops concert Wednesday the ... 23rd? yup. 23rd. DO IT.

WOO for new bra!
Black pin striped, with white lace, and white ribbon from hot topic.
I'm a fan of decorated bras. :]

(can't think of another one) for new shorts!
Black pin striped (w/ "dominatrix" suspenders xD) from hot topic!
~~I think Darice has one like it. :] (sorry)~~ I mean. She is too awesome to shop at hot topic. :]

AWESOME SEXINESS PROWESS!
too bad you can't go to school in a bra and heels..
suspension, beatings, grounded, and rape.
not to mention all the car accidents to cause!
(slushies should be considered a narcotic!)

Day after my birthday.

2007-05-15T23:00:09Z

Sadly, i spent the entire day at the museum of tolerance.
Trying very hard to not fall asleep.
And failing.

I appreciate reminding me of my birthday, the material love, and the shocked faces when people found out it was my birthday.
Thank you:
Donovan
Daniel C
Bryant L
Lucy W
And Leslie S for the Cake. :]

---15:58--- Nothing to say---

The poster is beautiful, ne?

---13:11---

I know I shouldn't have doubted you.

2007-05-10T23:54:18Z

Back to what i used to say?
I don't want to be wrong, but i also hate the uncertainty.

Thank goodness it wasn't too hot today.

-

I must stop having these thoughts.
I should know better.
Why can't I control it?
She'll always be too good for me.

-

But it was still very sunny.
Oh, how very blinding.

Wow, I'm so bored I'm watching Family guy.

-

Did you have fun ditching today?

-

I apologize for ignoring you.

-

Stop thinking about it.
Stop thinking.

-
Edit: 20:44

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

The day of rest.

2007-05-08T00:42:59Z

Strawberries.

But no.
I don't know why it upset me so much.
I apologize for being so doubtful,
for asking you to confirm.
I do wish you would have just said it would be awkward outright.
Forgive me.
It'll never happen again.
Not even if it means giving you up.
I promise.

Let's get complicated.

2007-05-05T00:03:30Z

Don't judge me.

The games begin again.
Just because i'll go through so many lives to ruin his doesn't make me a whore, does it?
First experiment: A friend of 3.

It's 17:00 now. I'll be sleeping.

Organized days pass.

2007-05-01T23:35:27Z

Yes, those ARE roses. Chocolate roses. :]

I should be doing history, english or algebra 2 homework.
    but instead, i'm here, writing pointless things.

I wonder if you check my page to see if i update it.
wonder if you'll let me get close.
wonder why i could miss you so much.
It feels really hot right now.
all blurry and spinning.
the world is spinning.
    the world is spinning around me.

but i stand still.
all those people live with me in my world,
and i live alone.

everyhting is blurry.
my wyes are losing focus, i can't really see anything in particular
i'm not even really seeing this scaereen.

oh how i miss you so much.
i miss the comfort.
i miss the times i can hold you,
i miss those times we talked.

i do not regret anything.
but i do wish i didn't seek everyone else.

i want to hold you again
    hold you so fucking bad.

No one understands me!

2007-04-29T19:22:59Z

Emo isn't bad. it's EMOTIONAL.
and we all have emotions.

Like I hate how everyone dislikes emo people! as if like expressing your um..emotions were bad!
i'm umm...sure.. SO sure..everyone feels at one point like noone understands them!
i'm sure everyone feels at one point like they want to... they want to... DIE!
YEA! that's right! DIE! D-I-E!
so umm... like what's the big problem!?

I CUT TO FEEL ALIVE! FREAKING ALIVE!
the pain um.. tells me.. i'm ALIVE!

"LOVE" IS BULLSHIT!

Black! </3
Cuts! </3
Dead People! </3
Necrophilia! </3
Blood! </3
Goth bands! </3
Heavy eyeshadow! </3
Chains! </3
Pain! </3
Death! </3

oh and like. did i mention. loVE iS bULlShIT??

Happy now?

(no offense to people who feel these things. don't take it to heart.)

This week just flew.

2007-04-28T00:10:45Z

Have you ever been talking about someone (not in a negative way), and they walk up right behind you?
Well now you know how i felt today. >.>

As I was reviewing my recent life adventures with a friend, she told me I reminded her of the song "Japanese Gum"
I agree with her.

So, here are the lyrics:
"
I used to know this girl
Who gave her love away
To every guy she met
And with all the games they played
She never seemed to cry
She never got upset
And one by one they came
And one by one they left
I thought that I could fix her
If she would let me in
But all of my advances
Were shut down in the end
When days turned into months
I begged her to explain
And this is what she sang

It's not like I'm a slut
Or that I really like to fuck
I just want every boy I see
To walk away with part of me
Until there's nothing left to hold
Until there's nothing left to hate
I appreciate your help
But even you can't save me from myself

I used to know this boy
Who took notes in a book
But he ripped out all the pages
Before I got a look
At all the words he scribbled
At all the lines he filled
But the ink stains on his fingers
Told me he was skilled
At capturing a feeling
That most of us just miss
The simple pain of living
With goodbyes on our lips
I found one of the pages
Crumpled by her bed
And this is how it read

It's not like I am weak
Or that I don't know how to leave
It's just that every time you cheat
You bring me closer to defeat

Until there's nothing left to love
Until there's nothing left to say
I know that you need help
But even I can't save you from yourself"

It's by "Her Space Holiday". Very nice song.
You can listen to it here:
http://www.myspace.com/herspaceholidaymusicfan

Does "Space Holiday" have anything to do with drugs/soma? 0.o

But, it does make me slightly sad to listen to this song.

-

To the one who spends weekend nights getting to know me:
I'm starting to think it would be better if we don't see each other. That might ruin everything we've built up.
But, that would also be disappointing. I look forward to the days we talk.
Mysteries are wonderful.
"If you try to be special, you will [certainly] fail."

To the one who spends concerts by me:
I realize that I'm rarely ever sad with you. So careless, so carefree.
I hope you realize that I do care how you feel.
"Feelings don't bring weakness, and weakness is not all negative, being able to express that weakness allows others to supplement that it and actually shows courage for not being embarrassed."

To the one who lies in the grass with me:
We're so alike. We could help each other.
We could learn to trust each other. We're still working on that.
You make me laugh. Sometimes, you make my day.
"I don't want to be just another statistic."

To the one I walk to a class with:
I'm still fighting.
And you should still pick a song.
"A feeling of unsatisfying peace..."

To the one that has given up much for me:
It's painful to be around you.
I really can't define the emotion anymore.
But it's not as easy to act as i did before.
"From the one who needs you because he loves you."

To the one who is almost far away:
As said before,
I hate being with you
because it reminds me of my incapability to love unconditionally.
I hope you live happily again.
"You made me happy. So, regardless of what your original intentions were, thank you for having been a part of my life."

To the one who is always there with me:
I have no idea what transpired. but i hope you get her. whoever she is.
"And I reply: "No, I was just living life."

To the one who was always there for me:
Truth is, I looked down at you. I felt better.
That isn't true now.
But you did catch me at an unfortunate time.
"All I can do is keep walking forward."

To the one who started me on my games:
Thank you.
for teaching me such valuable lessons on the nature of a human.
"You only have me for today."
-

Ah. Such confessions.

It's been awhile.

2007-04-24T05:06:42Z

Another week passes.
    Ah, how the time just flies by when you think you might somehow possibly be falling.
    (or, there's just too much in school to notice.)

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity." <3

Well, I've restarted my 5 year journal. In 5 years i can look back and meditate on how horrible my handwriting was.
Although it will probably still be just as bad.

-
Because I believe you'll probably never see this, I leave this here:

You're the only one that makes me feel alive.
     Actually, you're the only one that makes me feel anything at all.
     i'm tired of living under a sky of shades of grey.
-
Now enough with the cliqued soliloquy.

Swimming these days.
    the pool is ~~nasty.~~ uh. i mean. SEXY. because JT swims in it. -.-

CST/STAR begins tommorrow.
    ah, what a waste of time.
    and energy.

It's pretty cold.
    i miss you.

The games are renewed tommorrow.
    i'll do as i promised.

I wish my parents were white.
    or if i was in college.

Unfortunately, i have a habit of continuously indenting.
    it just looks really awesome.

Good night, sweet fantasism.

Concert night.

2007-04-15T04:29:05Z

I know eventually you will read this because -edited-.

That concert was pointless. We were basically just playing for ourselves. Rather lame.
But anything can be made interesting, can't it?

I don't want to say it's an experiment.
unfortunately, i don't trust myself either.

I just want to say now, i'm not doing it intentionally.
or at least not with cruel intentions.
Presence does provide me almost happiness. a kind of peaceful joy. satisfying reminiscence.
Comfort. Time seems to stand still.
I hope it stays that way.

Was encouraged to create a LiveJournal.

2007-04-15T03:36:59Z

I never really ever thought there would be a point to put journal entries on the internet. but hey. if i lose the notebook i was writing in, i guess i still have this.

Linkin Park's new song, What I've done, is really pretty nice.

-
2007.04.11
I realize I never let anyone do it twice unless it was in a short spaced consecutive order. Well that proves my inability to commit. Once you've gone the first time, that's really all you'll get. Mark that already wasted the first. I know i'll probably never do it again. Already it annoys me. Already the immaturity is a problem. Doesn't understand how other people can feel. Not capable of empathy.
The valley is stable, neutral, blunt. it's good I rarely go there. Although, when/if i do, it's not easily incited and can resist. Works well. But in the end, i'm still hoping to go back to the ocean, aren't I?

continued.
Today, the 11th, at the parchment house with salad. It seems nicer now. Dressed rather modesty today too. Mark the whole keepsake thing. The blunt hurting. Desperateness. Trying to cause enough stimulus for embarrassment. The headstrongness is rather childish and immature. of course, I could have given in. But the rightful possession is affected. Modern laws can prove it. Also, if i would be seen as submissive, it would been seen too much as easy. And expect me to always give in. Maybe it's almost over. that would help. I'm not going back tomorrow. I'm never going to go chasing. Really thinks i would be that condesending? Maybe I am just too uptight about everything. The disgusting nature of embarrassment affects me too much.

I wish a mature well-mannered creature would come along and we could have a wonderful sophisticated professional unattached relationship.

Adding to the above before the previous, the failure to understand it's strength.
Maybe I do pick out problems too much. I should probably just stick to pets, or cats. Lovely, Lovely Cats. I realize with trader missed out on childrens play, and i would understand the perfection of that lifestyle, but i guess the lively immaturity is something those other faces like.

Ah. The facade of perfection. No idea what it was now. But does it still even make me happy? I don't trust it. I can't imagine myself letting go around merry-go-around. I turned too fast today. I may regret that.
-